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However, you seem like a sporting person. So, here are three letters that might pique your interest like a flipperless seal to a polar bear.*‡
January 11th, 1863
She says ‘come Papa, come and see your daughter.’ She will smooth your picture caressingly with her hand and say ‘poor Papa, gone war, toot, bang’
November 11th, 1862
The Colonel thought the Rebs were shelling the woods that we were in. He ran out of his tent, got onto his horse, and skedaddled like a good fellow. I never was so tickled in my life.
September 17th, 1862
You don’t complain, but I know it is hard on you, and I don’t feel as if I was bearing my share of the trouble. You have my most heartfelt sympathies, but that is not food and lodging, is it!
* Sorry, you can’t eat these letters. They don’t taste good.
‡ We don’t support arctic acts of violence.†
† The poor bear is not vegan¤, so it’s okay for it to kill the seal if it eats it.
¤ Great new idea for a startup: An iPhone app that helps bears become vegans. No, think about it. It will come with a pricking tool, test strip, and test strip reader. If the bear has been eating meat, the app will send shame-notifications to the bear’s family members.